I have been away from the blogging world for quite a while. Here’s why…

I wasn’t sure if I should post about it but I do believe that writing it out and seeking support will help me heal.

As I mentioned in my last vlog before disappearing, things aren’t great at home. “Things aren’t great” – to say the least. It all started in July. On 1st July my husband admitted having an affair with a woman who was 20 years younger than him. He was turning 42 at that time. The woman had no education but had a child (older than our daughter) and my husband wanted to leave me and my daughter for the other woman. He said that the affair had been going on for four months and he did it because I was fat, ugly, stupid, sexually unattractive and a horrible mother. I was heartbroken. Literally. For two days I was constantly crying and suffering from chest pains.
As he started to reveal more about the relationship, it turned out that he often lied about having to do overtime at work and while he was “doing overtime” and I was working, it was my mother and father who watched my daughter. I was disgusted. He ruined my self-esteem, femininity, all the trust I had in him and my parents couldn’t trust in him either. I wanted to keep the family together, though. He broke up with the girl, I started to lose weight, wear more feminine clothes, spend less time working and more time with the family. I realized my own responsibility and was willing to do anything to make it work. My mother-in-law recommended us to go to couple’s therapy and I scheduled solo psychotherapy sessions for myself. I had therapy from late August to early December and it was extremely hard work. I started to change for the better. He didn’t change at all.

In the autumn, I contacted a divorce lawyer, just to be sure but I didn’t file for divorce. I was doing everything alone in and around the house, run errands alone, take our pets to the vet, clean, cook, preparing for birthdays, you name it. All by myself. In the meantime, he was still doing overtime. I forgot to mention that in September, he was away for weeks on business, so I used this period to start to rebuild my shattered relationship with my daughter. She had turned against me during this chaos. She didn’t like me when I was crying, I tried to be consistent with her, while my husband was extremely lenient. By the time he went on that business trip, my relationship with my daughter was so horrible, that she slapped me every time I wanted to discipline her. So I had a few peaceful weeks together and our relationship started to improve.

In January, my husband admitted being in love with the other woman. Still in love, though they hadn’t met for months. Or at least it was what he had been telling me. I was suspicious the whole time because he had been distant. Now I knew why. I wanted to file for divorce. According to my lawyer, if we go to court without an agreement, the whole procedure could last up to two years, so I started to negotiate with him.

In March, he was about to move out but unfortunately, lockdown started here and he didn’t go anywhere. We used this time to come to a final agreement and I contacted my lawyer again. According to the agreement, he could have seen our daughter four times a week, could have had unlimited contact with her via phone or Skype, I asked for a fair amount of child support and offered to finish the renovation of our house at my own expense and eventually pay him his share of our house.

A few days after our agreement was drafted, he started to act weird. I confronted him and asked him if he had an affair. He said ‘no’. I didn’t want my daughter to spend her weekends with the other woman because I didn’t think she would be a good role model for my kid. A woman who has no education has loose morals and who turned my husband into a selfish, negligent liar would never be a good example for my daughter. So I confronted him and he left to do the shopping. A bit later someone liked a post of mine on Instagram. The name was familiar and when I checked her profile, there was a picture of her and my husband. There she was with her cold, calculating smile and my husband with the most stupid smile I have ever seen. The photo was taken in a pub. I had evidence: he was a liar, cheater and he had spent money from the family budget on another woman. I took a screenshot of the photo and called my husband. Then I packed some pyjamas and toys for my daughter and drove her to my parents’ place. In the evening, I had a terrible row with my husband. I told him that I had been loving and faithful all these years and I might not be thin enough and I might not be a perfect wife but I am a good, stable, rock-solid, moral woman who had been with him in the biggest mess. I also confirmed what I had said earlier: I would never ever allow that woman and my cheater -liar husband to screw up my daughter.

The following day, I went back to my parents’ place. While I was driving to their village, my husband called me. He had broken up with the woman. She threatened to sue me and call Child Protective Services on me. It turned out that they never broke up and my husband was lying about me for a year. He said to the other woman that I was a horrible woman, a horrible person and horrible mother and that I abused our daughter several times. It was all a lie. As the woman was threatening him with the above-mentioned things, he realized that he had created such a mess that he would be unable to clear up and he wanted to commit suicide. By the time I arrived at my parents’ house, he had transferred all his money to my account and had sent goodbye text to the family.

He is still alive. He wanted to get me back. It would be easier for my budget, but more difficult for my heart. I asked him again to leave after the lockdown. I am scared of it but I am also looking forward to it. I am still heartbroken, can’t trust men at all and I just want to be alone with my little one. You might think that infidelity is the most painful part of the story. No. By December, I had forgiven him that he cheated on me. In most cases, cheating is based on physical (sexual) attraction. What has hurt me is the way he has treated me for months. He has humiliated me in every possible way almost every single day since that July day. I feel ugly, worthless and a horrible person, although my daughter and friends say the opposite of everything he has said to me.

My husband has forbidden me to talk or post about this situation but I am doing it anyway. I even have plans to start a blog post/vlog series about how I am coping with my new life as a single mom.

I am sorry for such a negative kind of content but I do believe that there are a lot of women out there going through the same. If my story can help just one person, it was worth posting about it.

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